Don’t get me wrong, Movember, the fundraiser, is great. I’m all for men and women raising money and awareness to help deal with men’s cancers and the mental health issues that surround these types of illnesses.
But the act of Movember; the growing of the moustache, the questions that arise, the variety of complexities involved, well that’s a whole other bag of facial hair, if you ask me.
Here are just a few reasons I’m not so sure about Movember:
1. I might mistake you for your father.
Look, your Dad might have been good-looking back in the day. And I know a lot of dudes look up to their fathers. A lot of them don’t. Whatever. But I genuinely worry that you might show up, and I won’t recognize you behind your Dad’s genetically identical facial hair.
What if I call you mister? You might like it, but I don’t want to be subjected to the humiliation that would ensue.
What if we go out somewhere and someone mistakes me for your daughter?
When we got to a restaurant, people will automatically give you the bill, which given my current financial status might not be terrible, but it is inherently sexist, so we can’t be having any of that!
Worse though, what if your moustache has controlling elements on your psyche and makes you act like your father as well? What happens then, huh?
2. If you get something stuck in there, I won’t know whether or not I should tell you about it, and that might drive me crazy.
Is it from something you ate? Did something just fall out of the sky? How did it get there? Is it food? Is it a non-food substance? What the heck is that on your face?!
So many questions as to the life-story of the crumb stuck on your upper-lip. I’m nice and all, for the most part, but I might not tell you about it just to see how it plays out.
You’re not used to facial hair. You don’t know the weight it carries? You could be walking around all day with an entire strip of the bacon you had at breakfast and you would just think “well, I guess my Mo’ is growin’ in nicely” but NO! You got BACON in there, sir!
3. If you can’t grow it out properly, I will likely lose respect for you.
Yup, I can be that shallow.
If you participate in Movember and your moustache is all splotchy and uneven, I’m going to have a whole heap of criticism ready. You want to talk modern theories of masculinity? I’ve got plenty of ammunition right here in my Feminist Political Thought background; about what it means to be a man; how you are perceived amongst your peers let alone around women, how you should look and act, and most importantly to this circumstance, how your facial hair should represent your sense of self.
If none of that adds up, I might call you on it, bro.
4. Regardless of if it DOES turn out OK, it will still never look as good as Nick Offerman’s.
… SO WHAT’S THE FRIGGIN’ POINT?!?!?!?!
5. What if you’re ACTUALLY an old-timey prospector, and Movember is your one chance to act like yourself after years of hiding clean-shaven, in plain sight, in a time that isn’t even your own!?
That speaks for itself, I think. How can any of moderns deal with that? I’ve seen Outlander. That shit gets messed up. Although it can be a little kinky at times…
6. How am I supposed to tell the difference between if you’re a sketchbag or just growing a moustache for Movember?
I wanna wear your skin!
This is important for the average woman. I know it sounds terrible, but if you’re just a dude wearing a ball cap representing your favourite football team, that’s one thing. If you’re doing the same thing, the football team happens to be from the South, and you’ve got a weird moustache-thing going on, well then I have to ask myself some questions and ponder walking on the other side of the street.
7. And lastly, what if you decide to keep it beyond Movember?
I can’t even…
*For all intents and purposes, I do actually support Movember and agree it is a hugely worthy cause, so please support it. Here are two mo-growers to whom I’d like to encourage people to donate; my brother Nick’s mo: http://ca.movember.com/mospace/828278, or my captain Dale’s mo: http://ca.movember.com/mospace/3138449 *Sorry if I’m too late mo-bros*