NOMO: An Anti-Movember Intercession

Don’t get me wrong, Movember, the fundraiser, is great. I’m all for men and women raising money and awareness to help deal with men’s cancers and the mental health issues that surround these types of illnesses.

But the act of Movember; the growing of the moustache, the questions that arise, the variety of complexities involved, well that’s a whole other bag of facial hair, if you ask me.

Here are just a few reasons I’m not so sure about Movember:

1.  I might mistake you for your father.

moustache_old_school_medium

Look, your Dad might have been good-looking back in the day. And I know a lot of dudes look up to their fathers. A lot of them don’t. Whatever. But I genuinely worry that you might show up, and I won’t recognize you behind your Dad’s genetically identical facial hair.

What if I call you mister? You might like it, but I don’t want to be subjected to the humiliation that would ensue.

What if we go out somewhere and someone mistakes me for your daughter?

When we got to a restaurant, people will automatically give you the bill, which given my current financial status might not be terrible, but it is inherently sexist, so we can’t be having any of that!

Worse though, what if your moustache has controlling elements on your psyche and makes you act like your father as well?  What happens then, huh?

 

2.  If you get something stuck in there, I won’t know whether or not I should tell you about it, and that might drive me crazy.

hxEPrZT4ELg

Is it from something you ate? Did something just fall out of the sky? How did it get there? Is it food? Is it a non-food substance? What the heck is that on your face?!

So many questions as to the life-story of the crumb stuck on your upper-lip. I’m nice and all, for the most part, but I might not tell you about it just to see how it plays out.

You’re not used to facial hair.  You don’t know the weight it carries?  You could be walking around all day with an entire strip of the bacon you had at breakfast and you would just think “well, I guess my Mo’ is growin’ in nicely” but NO!  You got BACON in there, sir!

 

3.  If you can’t grow it out properly, I will likely lose respect for you.

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Yup, I can be that shallow.

If you participate in Movember and your moustache is all splotchy and uneven, I’m going to have a whole heap of criticism ready. You want to talk modern theories of masculinity?  I’ve got plenty of ammunition right here in my Feminist Political Thought background; about what it means to be a man; how you are perceived amongst your peers let alone around women,  how you should look and act, and most importantly to this circumstance, how your facial hair should represent your sense of self.

If none of that adds up, I might call you on it, bro.

4.  Regardless of if it DOES turn out OK, it will still never look as good as Nick Offerman’s.

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Mo-Perfection

… SO WHAT’S THE FRIGGIN’ POINT?!?!?!?!

5.  What if you’re ACTUALLY an old-timey prospector, and Movember is your one chance to act like yourself after years of hiding clean-shaven, in plain sight, in a time that isn’t even your own!?

TheOldProspector

That speaks for itself, I think. How can any of moderns deal with that? I’ve seen Outlander.  That shit gets messed up.  Although it can be a little kinky at times…

 

6. How am I supposed to tell the difference between if you’re a sketchbag or just growing a moustache for Movember?

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I wanna wear your skin!

This is important for the average woman. I know it sounds terrible, but if you’re just a dude wearing a ball cap representing your favourite football team, that’s one thing. If you’re doing the same thing, the football team happens to be from the South, and you’ve got a weird moustache-thing going on, well then I have to ask myself some questions and ponder walking on the other side of the street.

 

7. And lastly, what if you decide to keep it beyond Movember?  

december-calendar

I can’t even…


***

*For all intents and purposes, I do actually support Movember and agree it is a hugely worthy cause, so please support it. Here are two mo-growers to whom I’d like to encourage people to donate; my brother Nick’s mo: http://ca.movember.com/mospace/828278, or my captain Dale’s mo: http://ca.movember.com/mospace/3138449  *Sorry if I’m too late mo-bros*

Briecommendations: LAUGHSTACHE

This is happening tomorrow night:


I had the chance to catch up with some of the amazing acts performing on this show to ask them how they REALLY feel about mustaches and facial hair:

“There are those for whom I think it’s essential: Cult Members, Cult leaders, Indie Folksters, Wizards.  For others I believe it is appropriate without being strictly necessary: Cowboys, Ring Leaders, Dock Workers, Henchmen. And, of course , there are those for whom facial hair is an absolute no-no: Babies, Police Officers, Amateur Ironists, Anglican Priests.” – Scott Montgomery, Falcon Powder.

Here’s another opinion about who should and shouldn’t have facial hair:

“Facial hair’s pretty neat, unless it’s on a girl.”  –  Ben Miner

(I’ll be sure to make an appointment to get my upper-lip waxed – AFTER tomorrow’s show!)

What do the mo-sistas think about facial hair?

“LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it. Love it. Seriously. LOVE IT! Oh my god. Even thinking and typing it makes me happy. I am a beard lover, but I also love an ironic mustache!” – Debra DiGiovanni

Well, you are going to LOVE the ‘staches at Comedy Bar tomorrow night Debra because comedians are only capable of growing mustaches ironically.  Little known fact.

Check out this coming-of-age-and-stache tale:

“We didn’t realize it was quite so much work! All of the waxing, flexing, watering it every day, etc. We feel a new respect for people that wear them all year round. The biggest problem is that it wakes us up all the time. We roll onto our faces as we sleep and it pokes us. Rolling onto your face as you sleep is normal, right?” – Marc Hallworth, Vest of Friends

Just as long as you continue to breathe, Marc.  Just as long as you continue to breathe.

Wondering whether or not any of these acts have grown mustaches this Movember?  Come to the show and find out!  Here are a few hints for ya:

  • “…didn’t grow my mo this year- stupid electrolysis- so now I have to overcompensate with my eyebrows. It’s kind of a double mo!”
  • “…we grew bristles just above our lips. But they PASS as moustaches.”
  • “…I didn’t grow a mo this year because I already had a beard and didn’t wanna mess with my head shot for auditions and such.”
  • “No I did not. My reason is simple: I fear my mustache would, by virtue of its sheer wispiness, discourage people from donating and/or participating in this and all future Movembers. I’d hate to be responsible for something like that.”

Finally – if you were on the fence at all about coming to the show tomorrow night, maybe because you’re offended that people have been calling you ferret-face all month, and they have, read on to find out why these hilarious comics think YOU should be there:

“Its the end of another Movember and it needs to be glorified. Plus, Movember is for a good cause, laughing is awesome and it’s Wednesday. what else are you doing on a Wednesday, jerk?! :)” –Debra DiGiovanni

“Because making prostate cancer and subsequently this yearly blight of terrible moustaches a thing of the past is a doubly good cause.” – Scott Montgomery, Falcon Powder

“Beacuse we heard that Tom Selleck, Hitler, AND Ned Flanders will be there! How can you miss those classic staches!?” – Marc Hallworth, Vest of Friends

And finally…

“People should come to Laughstache tomorrow because if they don’t Rob Ford will light a flaming bag of his own poop on your doorstep. He has a lot of free time these days.” – Ben Miner

:)

And ladies and gentlemen, I really do NOT want a piece of shit on my doorstep, OR the flaming bag!

So come on down!

Tickets are $15

All proceeds from ticket sales are going directly to the

Movember Foundation

For more information about the show, check out Impulsive Entertainment‘s website.